Awwww, Here It Goes! (Again)

Evening (Morning?) blog reader(s)! Sure has been awhile since i wrote in this particular blog. I've been writing in another one called The Hate Blog which is a lot more fun than this one, go to www.thehateblog1.blogspot.com if you're interested.

I have come back here for one reason only, a reason that seems to be the only thing i use this for: i have a crush on someone. I wasn't sure if i was going to write this or not because i know in reality, nobody really gives a shit who I'm crushing on cause by now you should know that I'm just going to bitch about it and tell you that i know how it's going to end, which is true, that is what I'm going to do. So instead of annoying everyone with late night texts and such, i have decided to spill everything i am thinking about at the moment into this blog due to the fact that if i don't say anything, this will just get worse and worse. Now, i will not go into detail about the girl, because quite frankly, i really don't want her knowing i have a crush on her, shit will get weird, as it usually does. For once, the girl doesn't have a boyfriend, at least right now she doesn't. Which is good right? Well yeah, cause this means that if i were someone else, i would be going for it immediately cause there's no barriers, but nope, i am me, which means instead i will admire from afar, secretly, like i am in 4th grade. See, i know that i like someone when i try my hardest to sugar coat myself, metaphorically speaking. I have noticed that not only my looks, but my outgoing/sarcastic personality has pushed girls away. I am a talker, i have many opinions, and i love to share them. I tell bad jokes that i think are hilarious, and i go into great detail about things that the girl usually could care less about. Not to mention, my professional life is relying on a dream to make it in music cause that's the only thing i really have skills in. So, i am not the BEST sounding boyfriend ever. I end up trying hard not to say things that I'm thinking and i try to dilute myself the best way possible because i actually give a shit what she thinks about me, though that's a terrible idea cause when the real me comes out she just thinks I'm an asshole. Know what i mean? of course you don't. Dealing with crushes is not something i am very good at. I find myself wanting to talk to the girl all the time but i know i can't, cause that would be borderline stalkerish. I also find myself wanting to avoid her because i don't know what to say and i know that every moment talking to her is another moment i can make an ass out of myself, but i can't avoid her cause i want her to like me. Believe it or not, i have confidence, i really do, but when i like someone is when i start to feel not good enough and am able to point out my flaws really well. Not the best quality, right? Yeah i know, but what's a guy like me supposed to do? Especially when you've seen the type of guy she goes for, it's like, "wow, i can't compete with that, she'd never go for someone like me, someone larger and very outspoken, why should i even try?" Not trying is always my initial plan but then something makes me want to try, usually it's the signals i get from the girl, she seems as though she likes me so then i go for it, and then I'm shot down like a bird from that one Nintendo game where you'd shoot birds. Duck hunter was it? Maybe? i don't remember. My point is, it's hard to go for someone again after the last time you went for someone who was giving the "i like you" signals, you got shot down. Now I'm not saying she is giving me the i like you signals, I'm saying if she ever does. Blah, my thoughts are all tangled now. Let me simplify it: I like girl, not sure if girl likes me, will never know cause i won't try even though i want to. Me is stupid.

Alright, here's a message: i know i am pretty bad at hiding the fact that i like someone, so if the girl who i like has figured me out, please let me know you have figured me out instead of waiting for me to crack and tell you how i feel, and please let me know ahead of time if pursuing you is what i should do. That would make this so much easier if you could do that for me, okay? Thanks!

Stay True.

xLOSERx

The End of The World.

There's been a lot of talk lately about the end of the world. With all those animals and shit dying, a theory is that the world is going to end soon, well, if that is the case, i don't really give a shit, even though i haven't accomplished anything worthwhile in my life just yet, i still just don't care if the world ends. Good riddance i say, the human race is a failed experiment anyways. If there is a god, he/she/it has failed in creating us, since we all suck majorly at being what we are: human. What DOES bother me though, is HOW the world might end. See, my biggest fears of dying are as follows: burning alive, suffocating, and drowning. So, if the world ends like we see in the movie 2012, i will have to die in one of my three greatest fears of dying. Hopefully the world ends by a nuclear explosion, and that I'm close enough to just vaporize without knowing what the fuck happened, that would be grand, but knowing my luck, I'll end up in a giant ocean struggling to breathe, and then get tossed out of it, into a pit of lava, but just enough to set me on fire so that a big piece of rock can slowly crush me as i burn alive. Yeah, i better think about buying that gun really soon, or at least be somewhere really high up that i can jump off. Basically I'll be killing myself, to save myself (HA).

Then again, we can all just hope the world DOESN'T end, but where's the fun in that?

Stay True.

xLOSERx

...And All I Really Want Is To Hold You.

Remember a few months back, well, technically last year now, when i wrote a blog about a girl i REALLY liked? Yeah, neither do it, because i deleted it since then. I deleted it, because i started to have feelings for somebody else at the time, and then after she rejected me, i went back to feeling for that same girl i wrote the blog for again, and now, i don't feel for that girl from the blog anymore. I don't understand what my feelings are trying to do here, my friend Shane called me a "like whore" a couple weeks ago and stated "if you fucked all the girls you've liked in the past few months, you'd be a real whore", and he's totally right, i would be. I guess, it's not that i fall to fast, because "falling" for someone means that, well, you're "in love" right? These are simply just crushes on girls that i think i might have a chance with someday, and then having any sort of dreams i had about being with them get crushed like an empty soda can at the recycling plant. It's not that i don't think that the girls i like are special, they're always special, i always find something between us, a connection of sorts, that makes me feel that way, followed by hopes of changing their preception of men by being the best possible boyfriend they could want, which is then followed by doubt because of how i look, and then blind courage, telling myself that "fuck how i look, they're going to like me for me and it's going to be awesome" which then leads to the stupid move of telling them how i feel and blah blah blah you know the rest. Here i sit, single, alone, trying to tell myself everyday that "pft, i don't need a girl, i'll be just fine", which of course i only think about when i'm with my friends, who are, of course, more important than any relationship, and i would not trade them for one, it's just nice to come home and have someone to talk to who feels the same way that i do, or to have someone to laugh with and at the same time, hold them and feel so goddamn safe that you almost feel like you can survive a nuclear war. As much as i might tell myself that i don't need that, i do need that, hell, everyone needs that, without that, life is merely just not as livable as it should be, and you can hide behind tough guy facades all you want, but deep down, everyone needs to feel that kind of safety in their life. Much like the kind you felt as a child, when you thought there was a monster in your closet and went to go sleep in your parents room. See, friends are the foundation of any person, your friends are important, your friends are the ones who are there for you all the time while the girlfriend/boyfriend comes and goes. Friends are the ones you NEED to keep in your life, a significant other is not NEEDED unless they are the right person. DON'T EVER choose one over the other, find someone who you can keep it balanced with. My new state of mind is that i need to find someone who can get along with my friends, so there's no tension, and she'd be fine with me having fun with them. If you find a girl/boy like that, KEEP THEM, because in reality, your friends are your extended family, and you need them, but you also need somebody to love or feel love for, if love even exists, that is. If you don't have one, though, DON'T BE A BITCH ABOUT IT, that goes for men AND women, because while he/she is not there, your friends always will be.

Now, onto my initial point, continued from the beginning. I like too many people, never at the same time, but in the span of a short period of time, and the thing is, it's not that i lose feelings completely for the girls i like unless i've had enough time to get over them. Sometimes it's just that, well, there is something preventing us from dating (boyfriend, distance, shallowness on her part) and i simply, by chance, find someone else who makes me feel the same. Lately though, i've only had ONE girl on my mind, and i'm not going to go into detail about how i feel or all the mushy stuff right now, hell, i'm not even going to go as far as to say "she's the most perfect girl in the world for me, and i've never felt the same for anyone", because i say that way too damn much, yeah i'll admit it, it's a stupid thing to say for anyone in a relationship or ESPECIALLY with a crush because a crush is merely that: a crush. It is possible to feel something you have never felt with anyone, yes, but most of the time, it's the same. See, i will say this, while i have felt feelings LIKE this before, i can safely say that this is the first time in my life that i have felt comfortable liking someone, almost like i am SUPPOSED to like her. We have more in common than anyone i've ever liked, and she makes me feel so confident in myself that i almost feel like a different person when i'm talking to her, like i'm no longer a fat, ugly, slacker with no motivation. She makes me feel like i'm a good looking businessman with a lot of money and my life on the right track. If someone makes you feel like THAT, then i think it's a safe bet that you should be with them, i should be with her, i want to be with her, she accepts me for ME, and really that's all i want in a relationship, i want someone to like ME, not someone they think i should be, you know? Even though she doesn't like me back, she accepts me for who i am, and that's all that matters really. How do i know she doesn't like me back? Well she has a boyfriend, of course, ALWAYS a boyfriend. I don't care, maybe eventually i'll have a chance, but right now i'll just pretend these feelings don't exist and fill the void with unhealthy food, sexist jokes, laughter, and of course, music.

To Her: my feelings for you are simple, not complicated, which is new to me, i haven't once thought about having sex with you, kissing you, or anything physical other than holding you, because when you think about it, the best relationships are the ones where holding the person in your arms is the best possible way to spend a night with them, and that's all i really want, is to hold you.

2010: Where Have You Gone?

Wow, it's hard to believe that 2010 is over. It feels like just yesterday that i had such high hopes for 2010, more notably, the summer of 2010, which has since passed on. Surely has been a roller coaster of a year and continues to be even with one day left, i don't even know how to put into words what this year consisted of, i can just mention a few notable things: got out of a miserable relationship, recorded the first Suburban Losers full length record at the awesome Akdar Studios, met a SHIT LOAD of awesome people, and became really close with a few of them (you know who you are), got back together with some old friends to which we became an unbeatable 5 person Nexus, followed by some awesome times and new memories to look back on in addition to the billions of memories we already had, found a whole new person in myself after the breakup, and finally gained some self confidence, band activity increasing and getting better as a band overall. As well as many many other crazy adventures, i am not mentioning the notable bad things because well, honestly there was more bad than good this year, considering the high expectations we all had for it, "Year of The Loser" is what we called it hahaha, and it was, sort of, i guess. I don't want to go into 2011 with too much high hopes, in case they also get destroyed, i am going into 2011 with a positive attitude though, and hoping to accomplish my resolutions for this year, which are as follows: release Suburban Losers - Never Going Home, get skinny, tell the girl i REALLY like how i feel (maybe, depending on the situation), get over my fear of driving, get my license, and finally go on tour. If i can end 2011 with those things accomplished, i will feel like a JEDI MASTER. So, yeah, as we all say goodbye to a year filled with happiness, sadness, fun times, bad times, and a whole lot of learning, we say hello to a new year with new possibilities headed our way. Let's hope it's a good one.

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011.

I leave you, as a New Year's tradtion for me, with this song:



This time, it's the Sundowner version instead of The Lawrence Arms version, considering Chris (from TLA), released this in 2010 under his side project, Sundowner :)

as always, Stay True.

xLOSERx

10 Steps For Failure.

I am going to present to you, 10 helpful steps in preparing yourself to do something that you know you're going to fail at, but still know it has to be done in order for life to move on, and in the end, still come out on top, even though you failed. AWWWWWW HERE IT GOES:

1. listen to your own band, if you have one, in order to remind yourself that after you fail, you still have talent.

2. be sure to consult every single one of your initial group of friends before failing, so they can help you make jokes about how funny it's going to be when you once again fail miserably, because everyone expected it.

3. eat, a lot.

4. watch the video for Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations" to remind yourself that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be as cool as Marky Mark, in order to further prevent yourself from gaining confidence to do something that you'll know you're gonna fail at.

5. if you play an instrument, play it, to remind yourself that you have talent (see number 1)

6. go forth with the thing you're going to fail at, only to fail, because it was bound to happen.

7. sulk for a bit, tell yourself never to try again, even though you know you will.

8. hang out with your best friends, joke about how much you failed, and then make fun of people to make yourself feel better.

9. sleep it off, if you can.

10. wake up, ready to start again, and for the hell of it, watch "Good Vibrations" again, cause, well, FUCKING LOOK AT IT:

Songwriting, Brendan Kelly, and an Awesome Girl.

I am pleased to have read that the way i write my song lyrics is almost identical to the way Brendan Kelly of The Lawrence Arms/Falcon/Slapstick writes his. See http://badsandwichchronicles.blogspot.com/2010/12/more-self-important-bullshit.html This is pretty awesome for me, because Brendan Kelly is one of my musical idols. Probably the only one out of all of my musical idols that I want to write and play just like, or at least mimic in my writing to the point of writing as awesome as he does, incorporating metaphors and smart ass remarks in my songs, while still sounding sincere. The only thing that's not the same is the 4 track recording device, i wish i had one, so i could remember my songs better. If you've never heard The Lawrence Arms, fucking look them up, NOW. That band includes two of my musical idols.

Anywho. I would like to know why it's so freezing today, I would also like to know why, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about a certain girl. I guess it's because she's not evil, like most girls. This one is different.

Stay True.

xLOSERx

Is Anyone Reading This?

I wish I had the time, well, i do have the time, but i wish i wasn't so lazy, because I'd love to write in this at least everyday for you all to get an in depth analysis of what i think about daily. I guess I'd just much rather connect with a person than a dead world of cyberspace called the Internet. I don't know, i guess today i feel like boring you all, or whoever does/doesn't take the time to read this. Today sucks, it's so boring and rainy, i spent the majority of the day cleaning my room, although, i wanted to spend the majority of the day sleeping, but that doesn't happen anymore. My "inner clock" wants me to wake up at 10 all the time, and it pisses me off, cause even if i fall asleep at 4 or 5 AM, the inner clock is like "AW HELL NO, YOU WAKE UP NOW!" when I'm like "but i wanna sleeeeeeeeeeeep" and then we argue all morning until finally it makes me have to pee really fucking bad and have a weird coughing spell, and then I'm up. Whoop. Fuck, i just want this day to be over so next week can begin, hell, i want this month to be over, i hate Christmas, i hate this time of year, it's cold, it's depressing, and everything about it, the smells in the air, the coldness, and just the overall feeling of it brings back bad memories/thoughts that are usually stuffed in the back of my mind. Not that they effect mine or anyone else's well being, or the way i live, they just like to keep me up at night and make my time spent alone less enjoyable. Aw who am i kidding, anytime i spend alone is a nightmare. Pft. That's what music is for, to make it easy.

In other non whiny news, the weight loss is going well. I'm at 280 pounds, which is a big step considering 2 months ago i weighed 297 pounds. It sucks that it's not showing yet, nor do i feel any better physically yet, but emotionally, i definitely feel better about myself that it's working, i just have to keep going, i guess, and not let any possible rejections/depressing news that may come my way stop me from achieving this goal. Speaking of goals, record progress is going well, also. We have hit the $200(something) mark in our band fund, and I've been saving up change. Plus an hour increase at work has helped much in the progress. Once we get it mastered, then it's time to talk about pressing and label signage. Then my life will rule much more than it already does. *victorious stance*.

For now i bid you farewell, for i am going to go continue being bored and trying to settle my thoughts. *bow*

Stay True.

xLOSERx