...And All I Really Want Is To Hold You.

Remember a few months back, well, technically last year now, when i wrote a blog about a girl i REALLY liked? Yeah, neither do it, because i deleted it since then. I deleted it, because i started to have feelings for somebody else at the time, and then after she rejected me, i went back to feeling for that same girl i wrote the blog for again, and now, i don't feel for that girl from the blog anymore. I don't understand what my feelings are trying to do here, my friend Shane called me a "like whore" a couple weeks ago and stated "if you fucked all the girls you've liked in the past few months, you'd be a real whore", and he's totally right, i would be. I guess, it's not that i fall to fast, because "falling" for someone means that, well, you're "in love" right? These are simply just crushes on girls that i think i might have a chance with someday, and then having any sort of dreams i had about being with them get crushed like an empty soda can at the recycling plant. It's not that i don't think that the girls i like are special, they're always special, i always find something between us, a connection of sorts, that makes me feel that way, followed by hopes of changing their preception of men by being the best possible boyfriend they could want, which is then followed by doubt because of how i look, and then blind courage, telling myself that "fuck how i look, they're going to like me for me and it's going to be awesome" which then leads to the stupid move of telling them how i feel and blah blah blah you know the rest. Here i sit, single, alone, trying to tell myself everyday that "pft, i don't need a girl, i'll be just fine", which of course i only think about when i'm with my friends, who are, of course, more important than any relationship, and i would not trade them for one, it's just nice to come home and have someone to talk to who feels the same way that i do, or to have someone to laugh with and at the same time, hold them and feel so goddamn safe that you almost feel like you can survive a nuclear war. As much as i might tell myself that i don't need that, i do need that, hell, everyone needs that, without that, life is merely just not as livable as it should be, and you can hide behind tough guy facades all you want, but deep down, everyone needs to feel that kind of safety in their life. Much like the kind you felt as a child, when you thought there was a monster in your closet and went to go sleep in your parents room. See, friends are the foundation of any person, your friends are important, your friends are the ones who are there for you all the time while the girlfriend/boyfriend comes and goes. Friends are the ones you NEED to keep in your life, a significant other is not NEEDED unless they are the right person. DON'T EVER choose one over the other, find someone who you can keep it balanced with. My new state of mind is that i need to find someone who can get along with my friends, so there's no tension, and she'd be fine with me having fun with them. If you find a girl/boy like that, KEEP THEM, because in reality, your friends are your extended family, and you need them, but you also need somebody to love or feel love for, if love even exists, that is. If you don't have one, though, DON'T BE A BITCH ABOUT IT, that goes for men AND women, because while he/she is not there, your friends always will be.

Now, onto my initial point, continued from the beginning. I like too many people, never at the same time, but in the span of a short period of time, and the thing is, it's not that i lose feelings completely for the girls i like unless i've had enough time to get over them. Sometimes it's just that, well, there is something preventing us from dating (boyfriend, distance, shallowness on her part) and i simply, by chance, find someone else who makes me feel the same. Lately though, i've only had ONE girl on my mind, and i'm not going to go into detail about how i feel or all the mushy stuff right now, hell, i'm not even going to go as far as to say "she's the most perfect girl in the world for me, and i've never felt the same for anyone", because i say that way too damn much, yeah i'll admit it, it's a stupid thing to say for anyone in a relationship or ESPECIALLY with a crush because a crush is merely that: a crush. It is possible to feel something you have never felt with anyone, yes, but most of the time, it's the same. See, i will say this, while i have felt feelings LIKE this before, i can safely say that this is the first time in my life that i have felt comfortable liking someone, almost like i am SUPPOSED to like her. We have more in common than anyone i've ever liked, and she makes me feel so confident in myself that i almost feel like a different person when i'm talking to her, like i'm no longer a fat, ugly, slacker with no motivation. She makes me feel like i'm a good looking businessman with a lot of money and my life on the right track. If someone makes you feel like THAT, then i think it's a safe bet that you should be with them, i should be with her, i want to be with her, she accepts me for ME, and really that's all i want in a relationship, i want someone to like ME, not someone they think i should be, you know? Even though she doesn't like me back, she accepts me for who i am, and that's all that matters really. How do i know she doesn't like me back? Well she has a boyfriend, of course, ALWAYS a boyfriend. I don't care, maybe eventually i'll have a chance, but right now i'll just pretend these feelings don't exist and fill the void with unhealthy food, sexist jokes, laughter, and of course, music.

To Her: my feelings for you are simple, not complicated, which is new to me, i haven't once thought about having sex with you, kissing you, or anything physical other than holding you, because when you think about it, the best relationships are the ones where holding the person in your arms is the best possible way to spend a night with them, and that's all i really want, is to hold you.