I won't mentioned what happened, cause i don't know who reads this exactly or who's GOING to read this, but if anyone who experienced what happened last Saturday with me, you know what I'm talking about. Point here is, i honestly don't see it as a huge deal, everyone involved is okay, alive, and moving on. Come to think of it, it wasn't really traumatic at all, just fucking scary. It did however, get me to thinking, what if i had died? Like, i think, what if THEY had died too, that would be just as bad..but on a personal level, what if my life ended last week and i wasn't here typing this? Would i have been happy with my life? Would i have done everything that i wanted to do? The answer is simply, no. I have not completed everything that i wanted to do in my life yet, so this just gets me thinking about how fucking quickly everything can end, in an instant. The human body is complicated, growing up is complicated, hell, LIVING is sometimes complicated, but how to end everything, it's not complicated at all. It's simple, one time deal, think of it this way, okay, i am NOT suicidal right now, despite my past encounters with suicide, right now, i am probably the least suicidal than I've ever been. Just think though, how easy it is for it to all end, i could easily go buy a gun, hold it to the back of my skull, right behind my ear, pull the trigger and BOOM, I'm done, no more Rich. Or, just out of nowhere, i have an aneurysm, why? i don't fucking know, but it happens, my brain pops and I'm done. People wonder why I'm rarely serious, people wonder why i make jokes out of almost ANYTHING, even if I'm feeling real sympathy towards it or if I'm upset about it. Simply because, life is too damn short, too damn fragile, and too damn scary to be upset all the time. To me, life is a joke, i mean come on, it comes at you with this huge fucking attitude and acts like a tough guy, and you can so easily kick it in the balls and you win. It comes back though, and tears you down, over and over again, but you just have to keep up with it, crack some jokes, laugh at nothing, you know? You could be dead tomorrow, why not have fun today? I have more goals for my 20's than I've ever had before, and i plan to achieve them, if i can't, escaping is easy, but before i resort to that for a final time, i will brave life with all I've got, punch it in the throat, and try as hard as i fucking can to do EVERYTHING that i want to do in my life. Near death experiences always get you thinking, hell, i have a goal to be skinny by the time I'm 23, or at least fit. I have a goal to be semi successful in music by my mid 20's. I have a goal to find a girl that i want to be with for the rest of my life, who treats me right, doesn't care about my social status or schooling, respects my goals, and stay with her. My goals, collectively, are to reach where i want to be in life by the time I'm 25, and i WILL do it, and i WILL have fun as much as i possibly can on my journey towards true happiness. I suggest that whoever does read this, follow my advice, ignore the little things that upset you and just LIVE, i mean, there will be big obstacles to get through, for sure, big UPSETTING obstacles, but you have to believe in yourself and pull through them, cause in the end, the only person that can make you truly happy, is yourself.
Stay True.
xLOSERx
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Samuel: A Short Story.
Samuel is a good person, a very good person. He's always trying to help his friends when needed, does all he can for his family, and would do anything for the girl he loves. Although Samuel has many friends and a loving family, he lacks in the girl department. In fact, Samuel lives alone, he has for many years, and at age 30, he has begun to think that he will die alone. Since his 20's he has always just wanted someone to love, who loves him back, in a way that friends and family can't, in a way that would make his heart float on into a land of happiness only provided by the woman of his dreams. Though, he does not have that, and he has tried plenty of times for this to happen, failure is all that he is used to in love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. You see, Samuel has suffered from depression since he was very young, and attempts at trying as hard as he can to give hints about his depression have always failed. Nobody pays attention to his cries for help, because with suicide and depression being a part of the mainstream these days, it's almost like a joke to everyone, and they see it merely as a cry for attention, nothing serious. So, his depression remains undiagnosed. Samuel would never take pills for his problems anyways, he feels they do nothing but make the pain worse, only numbing it, but not getting rid of it. He doesn't know why he has depression, and he may never know, but his friends and family's ignorance, mixed with his extremely bad luck with love, has only made him worse and worse. Today, Samuel will help himself. Today, Samuel will do the one thing that he knows will cure him of his horrible thoughts - Samuel is going to kill himself.
The alarm goes off, it's an annoying sound, he never liked it. Samuel opens his eyes in slow motion, only to see a blurry light from his phone screaming at him like an eagle flying over his head. "Morning already?" Samuel says to himself, "God..i was having an amazing dream..why is it time to wake already?". He sits up slowly, rubs his eyes, and waits for them to adjust to the morning light, he shuffles out of his room into the bathroom. Samuel comes across a mirror, he looks into it, sees himself staring back at him, yet, it's not who he knows as himself. Bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep haunt him, running on an hour of sleep from day to day can do damage to the human body, more than anyone knows. He looks into his own eyes, he hates them, he can't stand his eyes. To himself, Samuel is ugly, the ugliest person he's ever seen. "why was i born like this" he says to the mirror, "why must you taunt me...why?". He takes one long, hard look at himself one last time and screams out "I AM NOTHING! I AM NOTHING! I AM NOTHING!" Samuel punches the mirror, shattering broken glass all over the bathroom floor, he cries out at himself "YOU'RE SO STUPID! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" blood ran down his fist, but it was a small cut, nothing compared to what he's really capable of doing to himself. Samuel washes his hands off, and walks into his room to get dressed. Every morning, Samuel likes to step outside for some fresh air, mainly, to find some sort of happiness in his meaningless life. The neighbor, Larry, is standing outside as well. "Hi there Sam! beautiful day isn't it?" Larry exclaims. "Not as beautiful as it could be" Samuel says under his breath to himself, and just smiles and nods at Larry. He didn't want to speak to anyone, he didn't want anyone to somehow convince him not to end his life today, he wanted to leave this world. With a quick glance to the left, Samuel sees a rabbit hopping up next to him, he looks at it, and for the first time in months, he cracked a real smile. "Hi there friend..." he says to the rabbit, "sometimes, i wish i could be you". Samuel then goes inside, where he turns on the TV to the news, "there's never any good news..." he says to the TV, and quickly falls back to sleep. Samuel wakes up to a thunderstorm, it is now dark outside, "how long did i sleep?" he says out loud to himself. He then stretches, yawns, and proceeds up the stairs, where his plan will take place, and he will finally be laid to rest.
Suddenly, Samuel is overwhelmed with anger at himself. "What is so wrong with me? why do i say stupid things? what is my purpose here?" He continues to mumble to himself while he slams and locks his door, shuts his phone off, and searches his drawer for a razor blade. "nobody will stop me...not this time...not again...this time i am gone, nobody will miss me, not even a bit" Samuel takes the razor blade, presses it onto his wrist, and begins to cut, slowly. Lighting crashes around him, it is a dark and stormy night, he ignores the flashes and loud thunder, and continues cutting. "why isn't this working" he says, "this damn blade is so dull, come on, work!" he keeps yelling at himself, telling himself to cut harder "WORK DAMMIT! WORK!" he cuts more, violently, this time moving quicker, he will not stop, he is determined to get out, escape to a better world where he won't have to live with himself. No more lonely nights, no more rejections, no more being ignored, this time, people will remember him, people will feel for him, they will see Samuel for who he is, who he was, and who he will never be. "WHY ISN'T IT CUTTING! WHY! CUT DAMMIT!" what Samuel doesn't realize, is that the blade has already reached the vain, but he keeps going, violently. "I...I guess it's not going to work" he stops, blood runs down his arm like a waterfall, it stains his white shirt. "Maybe i'm supposed to live...maybe" Samuel then retires to his bed, and clutches himself, he has nobody to hug, nobody to comfort him, he is all alone. "This isn't right...why am i doing this? i should be alive..yeah..tomorrow, i begin a new life, i will be positive, i will fight this depression on my own, i will go out, and hell, i WILL meet the girl of my dreams, we will get married together, have a family, yeah! tomorrow is a new day for me...a new day..of happiness". He begins to smile..a real, big smile, he cries tears of joy. "I am sorry..." he says to himself "god..this hurts so bad.." he says of his cut. Samuel lays there, hugging himself, bleeding, crying, smiling. He passes out, with hopes and dreams of a new day in his life.
Samuel died that night, tightly clutching his own body...
Written by: Richard Finogle Jr.
The alarm goes off, it's an annoying sound, he never liked it. Samuel opens his eyes in slow motion, only to see a blurry light from his phone screaming at him like an eagle flying over his head. "Morning already?" Samuel says to himself, "God..i was having an amazing dream..why is it time to wake already?". He sits up slowly, rubs his eyes, and waits for them to adjust to the morning light, he shuffles out of his room into the bathroom. Samuel comes across a mirror, he looks into it, sees himself staring back at him, yet, it's not who he knows as himself. Bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep haunt him, running on an hour of sleep from day to day can do damage to the human body, more than anyone knows. He looks into his own eyes, he hates them, he can't stand his eyes. To himself, Samuel is ugly, the ugliest person he's ever seen. "why was i born like this" he says to the mirror, "why must you taunt me...why?". He takes one long, hard look at himself one last time and screams out "I AM NOTHING! I AM NOTHING! I AM NOTHING!" Samuel punches the mirror, shattering broken glass all over the bathroom floor, he cries out at himself "YOU'RE SO STUPID! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" blood ran down his fist, but it was a small cut, nothing compared to what he's really capable of doing to himself. Samuel washes his hands off, and walks into his room to get dressed. Every morning, Samuel likes to step outside for some fresh air, mainly, to find some sort of happiness in his meaningless life. The neighbor, Larry, is standing outside as well. "Hi there Sam! beautiful day isn't it?" Larry exclaims. "Not as beautiful as it could be" Samuel says under his breath to himself, and just smiles and nods at Larry. He didn't want to speak to anyone, he didn't want anyone to somehow convince him not to end his life today, he wanted to leave this world. With a quick glance to the left, Samuel sees a rabbit hopping up next to him, he looks at it, and for the first time in months, he cracked a real smile. "Hi there friend..." he says to the rabbit, "sometimes, i wish i could be you". Samuel then goes inside, where he turns on the TV to the news, "there's never any good news..." he says to the TV, and quickly falls back to sleep. Samuel wakes up to a thunderstorm, it is now dark outside, "how long did i sleep?" he says out loud to himself. He then stretches, yawns, and proceeds up the stairs, where his plan will take place, and he will finally be laid to rest.
Suddenly, Samuel is overwhelmed with anger at himself. "What is so wrong with me? why do i say stupid things? what is my purpose here?" He continues to mumble to himself while he slams and locks his door, shuts his phone off, and searches his drawer for a razor blade. "nobody will stop me...not this time...not again...this time i am gone, nobody will miss me, not even a bit" Samuel takes the razor blade, presses it onto his wrist, and begins to cut, slowly. Lighting crashes around him, it is a dark and stormy night, he ignores the flashes and loud thunder, and continues cutting. "why isn't this working" he says, "this damn blade is so dull, come on, work!" he keeps yelling at himself, telling himself to cut harder "WORK DAMMIT! WORK!" he cuts more, violently, this time moving quicker, he will not stop, he is determined to get out, escape to a better world where he won't have to live with himself. No more lonely nights, no more rejections, no more being ignored, this time, people will remember him, people will feel for him, they will see Samuel for who he is, who he was, and who he will never be. "WHY ISN'T IT CUTTING! WHY! CUT DAMMIT!" what Samuel doesn't realize, is that the blade has already reached the vain, but he keeps going, violently. "I...I guess it's not going to work" he stops, blood runs down his arm like a waterfall, it stains his white shirt. "Maybe i'm supposed to live...maybe" Samuel then retires to his bed, and clutches himself, he has nobody to hug, nobody to comfort him, he is all alone. "This isn't right...why am i doing this? i should be alive..yeah..tomorrow, i begin a new life, i will be positive, i will fight this depression on my own, i will go out, and hell, i WILL meet the girl of my dreams, we will get married together, have a family, yeah! tomorrow is a new day for me...a new day..of happiness". He begins to smile..a real, big smile, he cries tears of joy. "I am sorry..." he says to himself "god..this hurts so bad.." he says of his cut. Samuel lays there, hugging himself, bleeding, crying, smiling. He passes out, with hopes and dreams of a new day in his life.
Samuel died that night, tightly clutching his own body...
Written by: Richard Finogle Jr.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Pizza, Pizza!
remember the Little Caesar's guy? how he always used to say that? yeah those were good times, and i ate half a pizza by myself today, not from Caesar's since they don't exist outside of a K-Mart anymore. does that make me fat? yes, yes it does, but that's not what this blog is about, nor is it about pizza, ironic title, eh?
so i was walking today, and i decided to cut through the cemetery like old times, see, i used to hang out in the cemeteries a lot just to clear my head, because well, they're peaceful. nobody can bother you there cause everyone there is dead, but that's not the only reason it's so peaceful to me, you know what? i'm not even sure why to be honest. i've always had a weird fascination with death, and no i'm not saying that so i can sound dark (even though when i was 15 until i was 18 i had an "i'm so dark i wear black all the time and talk about death like it's awesome" phase), but i have an intrest in what happens, like what goes through your head as your dying? who do you think of? do you think about your life? are you scared cause you don't know whats coming for you in the after life? i don't know, i wish i could die and then come back and tell people what it was like, but of course that's impossible, unless you're like, a zombie, then of course you'd crave flesh and be unable to speak words, that is if you're a Romero zombie, okay now i'm just getting off topic here..anyways, what i'm getting at is that the cemetery is still quite relaxing, but at the same time, it's just not the same as it was before, i didn't feel as relaxed or as good as i used to feel when sitting there, then again i didn't sit i just walked through it, maybe i should have walked slower, i don't know. i still always wonder what everyone buiried there was like when they were alive though, and how they died. also, the slight relaxation i do feel from walking through there is a result of the fact that no matter what, you're going to end up dead, which should give everyone a reason to persue what they wanna do in life. don't live for someone else, live for yourself, and be with someone who is happy living with you, not someone they want you to become. i'm persueing music, i don't care if i end up homeless and broke from it, it's what i want, i want to play music, i want people to listen to what i write and hope they like it. most people just fall into the norm and do what they're suppossed to do, not what they want. sometimes though, the norm is what they want, you want a degree in physiology and a big house with 3 kids? go for it! more power to ya. you want to be a olympic skater? do it! you want to break your leg just to see what it's like to be in a wheelchair or on crutches? WELL GODDAMN GO FOR IT! well, most people don't want the last one, or the skater one, but you get my point. DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IN YOUR LIFE. because after all, it is YOUR life, and if you fail, don't be angry or depressed, try to make light out of it. hell i always try to make light of negetivity, cause it makes myself feel better about the negetive situation or the tragedy or whatever. you know what i mean.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, we all die, so follow your dreams, go to school if that's what you want, play music if that's what you want, if you want to be the manager of Burger King, do it! (hell yeah, free burgers!) but please, PLEASE don't live your life in someone else's shadow, be yourself and do what you want. cause after all, if you're not living your life the way you want to live it, then you're not really living.
i do beleive dreams can come true if you work at them.
Stay True.
xXx
(oh by the way, when i was walking through the cemetery, Alkaline Trio was playing on my ipod (ironic cause they're dark right?) and it was a song that Dan Andriano sings, and here comes a guy walking down the hill that looks like Dan but much older with a grey beard, hahahahaha! it was awesome.)
so i was walking today, and i decided to cut through the cemetery like old times, see, i used to hang out in the cemeteries a lot just to clear my head, because well, they're peaceful. nobody can bother you there cause everyone there is dead, but that's not the only reason it's so peaceful to me, you know what? i'm not even sure why to be honest. i've always had a weird fascination with death, and no i'm not saying that so i can sound dark (even though when i was 15 until i was 18 i had an "i'm so dark i wear black all the time and talk about death like it's awesome" phase), but i have an intrest in what happens, like what goes through your head as your dying? who do you think of? do you think about your life? are you scared cause you don't know whats coming for you in the after life? i don't know, i wish i could die and then come back and tell people what it was like, but of course that's impossible, unless you're like, a zombie, then of course you'd crave flesh and be unable to speak words, that is if you're a Romero zombie, okay now i'm just getting off topic here..anyways, what i'm getting at is that the cemetery is still quite relaxing, but at the same time, it's just not the same as it was before, i didn't feel as relaxed or as good as i used to feel when sitting there, then again i didn't sit i just walked through it, maybe i should have walked slower, i don't know. i still always wonder what everyone buiried there was like when they were alive though, and how they died. also, the slight relaxation i do feel from walking through there is a result of the fact that no matter what, you're going to end up dead, which should give everyone a reason to persue what they wanna do in life. don't live for someone else, live for yourself, and be with someone who is happy living with you, not someone they want you to become. i'm persueing music, i don't care if i end up homeless and broke from it, it's what i want, i want to play music, i want people to listen to what i write and hope they like it. most people just fall into the norm and do what they're suppossed to do, not what they want. sometimes though, the norm is what they want, you want a degree in physiology and a big house with 3 kids? go for it! more power to ya. you want to be a olympic skater? do it! you want to break your leg just to see what it's like to be in a wheelchair or on crutches? WELL GODDAMN GO FOR IT! well, most people don't want the last one, or the skater one, but you get my point. DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IN YOUR LIFE. because after all, it is YOUR life, and if you fail, don't be angry or depressed, try to make light out of it. hell i always try to make light of negetivity, cause it makes myself feel better about the negetive situation or the tragedy or whatever. you know what i mean.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, we all die, so follow your dreams, go to school if that's what you want, play music if that's what you want, if you want to be the manager of Burger King, do it! (hell yeah, free burgers!) but please, PLEASE don't live your life in someone else's shadow, be yourself and do what you want. cause after all, if you're not living your life the way you want to live it, then you're not really living.
i do beleive dreams can come true if you work at them.
Stay True.
xXx
(oh by the way, when i was walking through the cemetery, Alkaline Trio was playing on my ipod (ironic cause they're dark right?) and it was a song that Dan Andriano sings, and here comes a guy walking down the hill that looks like Dan but much older with a grey beard, hahahahaha! it was awesome.)
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