When Will I Learn?

I hate it. i hate this feeling, i hate everything that surrounds it, everything that it feeds off of, i hate the way it takes over my brain and squeezes the life out of it like no tomorrow. I haven't vented in days, it's about time i do. I often think, everything i said in past blogs about love, is true, i often think i have it all figured out, that I'm right, everyone else is wrong. Then someone comes along and wakes me up, unknowingly saying that "you're wrong, love is real, love is amazing, love exists in every one's hearts, and someday, I'll make you feel the kind of love you're looking for". Then, inevitably, all that hope, all that happiness and everything that came with it, gets destroyed, taken away, for what? i don't know, people tell me i deserve someone special, people tell me that any girl is lucky to have me, people tell me that someday, I'll find what I'm looking for. Someone needs to tell me why when i think i found what I'm looking for, what I'm looking for doesn't want me. I'm sick of people telling me how great i am and how much a nice girl deserves me, i want the truth, i want to know my flaws, i want to know what I'm doing wrong. Because when a girl sits there and tells me how amazing i am, and then doesn't date me, there HAS TO be something I'm doing wrong. Nice guys finish last, they say, hell, i never truly believed that until now, but it's true. We do, we get friend zoned, shit on, fucked with, teased, led on, everything you could possibly imagine. We get taken advantage of cause we're so nice. I don't HAVE to be so nice, it's just in my nature, that's the kind of person i am, it's natural for me to be nice, i don't have it in me to treat a woman like crap, or anyone for that matter, and i never will. I know just what the problem is, i always knew it from the time i started trying to date girls, until now: it's my looks, always have been, it's about time i do something to change that, cause if I'm as great as all these girls say i am, just imagine the relationship success I'll have if I'm not only the super nice guy, but the super hot guy. That's what girls want? well that's what they'll get. By early next year, i PROMISE you, i will be a more advanced version of myself. If that doesn't work, then I'm throwing in the towel and will accept that i am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, and that will be the end of it. Until then though, you better believe I'm going for this with full force.

Stay True.

xLOSERx

Serious Thoughts.

I won't mentioned what happened, cause i don't know who reads this exactly or who's GOING to read this, but if anyone who experienced what happened last Saturday with me, you know what I'm talking about. Point here is, i honestly don't see it as a huge deal, everyone involved is okay, alive, and moving on. Come to think of it, it wasn't really traumatic at all, just fucking scary. It did however, get me to thinking, what if i had died? Like, i think, what if THEY had died too, that would be just as bad..but on a personal level, what if my life ended last week and i wasn't here typing this? Would i have been happy with my life? Would i have done everything that i wanted to do? The answer is simply, no. I have not completed everything that i wanted to do in my life yet, so this just gets me thinking about how fucking quickly everything can end, in an instant. The human body is complicated, growing up is complicated, hell, LIVING is sometimes complicated, but how to end everything, it's not complicated at all. It's simple, one time deal, think of it this way, okay, i am NOT suicidal right now, despite my past encounters with suicide, right now, i am probably the least suicidal than I've ever been. Just think though, how easy it is for it to all end, i could easily go buy a gun, hold it to the back of my skull, right behind my ear, pull the trigger and BOOM, I'm done, no more Rich. Or, just out of nowhere, i have an aneurysm, why? i don't fucking know, but it happens, my brain pops and I'm done. People wonder why I'm rarely serious, people wonder why i make jokes out of almost ANYTHING, even if I'm feeling real sympathy towards it or if I'm upset about it. Simply because, life is too damn short, too damn fragile, and too damn scary to be upset all the time. To me, life is a joke, i mean come on, it comes at you with this huge fucking attitude and acts like a tough guy, and you can so easily kick it in the balls and you win. It comes back though, and tears you down, over and over again, but you just have to keep up with it, crack some jokes, laugh at nothing, you know? You could be dead tomorrow, why not have fun today? I have more goals for my 20's than I've ever had before, and i plan to achieve them, if i can't, escaping is easy, but before i resort to that for a final time, i will brave life with all I've got, punch it in the throat, and try as hard as i fucking can to do EVERYTHING that i want to do in my life. Near death experiences always get you thinking, hell, i have a goal to be skinny by the time I'm 23, or at least fit. I have a goal to be semi successful in music by my mid 20's. I have a goal to find a girl that i want to be with for the rest of my life, who treats me right, doesn't care about my social status or schooling, respects my goals, and stay with her. My goals, collectively, are to reach where i want to be in life by the time I'm 25, and i WILL do it, and i WILL have fun as much as i possibly can on my journey towards true happiness. I suggest that whoever does read this, follow my advice, ignore the little things that upset you and just LIVE, i mean, there will be big obstacles to get through, for sure, big UPSETTING obstacles, but you have to believe in yourself and pull through them, cause in the end, the only person that can make you truly happy, is yourself.

Stay True.

xLOSERx