Samuel is a good person, a very good person. He's always trying to help his friends when needed, does all he can for his family, and would do anything for the girl he loves. Although Samuel has many friends and a loving family, he lacks in the girl department. In fact, Samuel lives alone, he has for many years, and at age 30, he has begun to think that he will die alone. Since his 20's he has always just wanted someone to love, who loves him back, in a way that friends and family can't, in a way that would make his heart float on into a land of happiness only provided by the woman of his dreams. Though, he does not have that, and he has tried plenty of times for this to happen, failure is all that he is used to in love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. You see, Samuel has suffered from depression since he was very young, and attempts at trying as hard as he can to give hints about his depression have always failed. Nobody pays attention to his cries for help, because with suicide and depression being a part of the mainstream these days, it's almost like a joke to everyone, and they see it merely as a cry for attention, nothing serious. So, his depression remains undiagnosed. Samuel would never take pills for his problems anyways, he feels they do nothing but make the pain worse, only numbing it, but not getting rid of it. He doesn't know why he has depression, and he may never know, but his friends and family's ignorance, mixed with his extremely bad luck with love, has only made him worse and worse. Today, Samuel will help himself. Today, Samuel will do the one thing that he knows will cure him of his horrible thoughts - Samuel is going to kill himself.
The alarm goes off, it's an annoying sound, he never liked it. Samuel opens his eyes in slow motion, only to see a blurry light from his phone screaming at him like an eagle flying over his head. "Morning already?" Samuel says to himself, "God..i was having an amazing dream..why is it time to wake already?". He sits up slowly, rubs his eyes, and waits for them to adjust to the morning light, he shuffles out of his room into the bathroom. Samuel comes across a mirror, he looks into it, sees himself staring back at him, yet, it's not who he knows as himself. Bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep haunt him, running on an hour of sleep from day to day can do damage to the human body, more than anyone knows. He looks into his own eyes, he hates them, he can't stand his eyes. To himself, Samuel is ugly, the ugliest person he's ever seen. "why was i born like this" he says to the mirror, "why must you taunt me...why?". He takes one long, hard look at himself one last time and screams out "I AM NOTHING! I AM NOTHING! I AM NOTHING!" Samuel punches the mirror, shattering broken glass all over the bathroom floor, he cries out at himself "YOU'RE SO STUPID! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" blood ran down his fist, but it was a small cut, nothing compared to what he's really capable of doing to himself. Samuel washes his hands off, and walks into his room to get dressed. Every morning, Samuel likes to step outside for some fresh air, mainly, to find some sort of happiness in his meaningless life. The neighbor, Larry, is standing outside as well. "Hi there Sam! beautiful day isn't it?" Larry exclaims. "Not as beautiful as it could be" Samuel says under his breath to himself, and just smiles and nods at Larry. He didn't want to speak to anyone, he didn't want anyone to somehow convince him not to end his life today, he wanted to leave this world. With a quick glance to the left, Samuel sees a rabbit hopping up next to him, he looks at it, and for the first time in months, he cracked a real smile. "Hi there friend..." he says to the rabbit, "sometimes, i wish i could be you". Samuel then goes inside, where he turns on the TV to the news, "there's never any good news..." he says to the TV, and quickly falls back to sleep. Samuel wakes up to a thunderstorm, it is now dark outside, "how long did i sleep?" he says out loud to himself. He then stretches, yawns, and proceeds up the stairs, where his plan will take place, and he will finally be laid to rest.
Suddenly, Samuel is overwhelmed with anger at himself. "What is so wrong with me? why do i say stupid things? what is my purpose here?" He continues to mumble to himself while he slams and locks his door, shuts his phone off, and searches his drawer for a razor blade. "nobody will stop me...not this time...not again...this time i am gone, nobody will miss me, not even a bit" Samuel takes the razor blade, presses it onto his wrist, and begins to cut, slowly. Lighting crashes around him, it is a dark and stormy night, he ignores the flashes and loud thunder, and continues cutting. "why isn't this working" he says, "this damn blade is so dull, come on, work!" he keeps yelling at himself, telling himself to cut harder "WORK DAMMIT! WORK!" he cuts more, violently, this time moving quicker, he will not stop, he is determined to get out, escape to a better world where he won't have to live with himself. No more lonely nights, no more rejections, no more being ignored, this time, people will remember him, people will feel for him, they will see Samuel for who he is, who he was, and who he will never be. "WHY ISN'T IT CUTTING! WHY! CUT DAMMIT!" what Samuel doesn't realize, is that the blade has already reached the vain, but he keeps going, violently. "I...I guess it's not going to work" he stops, blood runs down his arm like a waterfall, it stains his white shirt. "Maybe i'm supposed to live...maybe" Samuel then retires to his bed, and clutches himself, he has nobody to hug, nobody to comfort him, he is all alone. "This isn't right...why am i doing this? i should be alive..yeah..tomorrow, i begin a new life, i will be positive, i will fight this depression on my own, i will go out, and hell, i WILL meet the girl of my dreams, we will get married together, have a family, yeah! tomorrow is a new day for me...a new day..of happiness". He begins to smile..a real, big smile, he cries tears of joy. "I am sorry..." he says to himself "god..this hurts so bad.." he says of his cut. Samuel lays there, hugging himself, bleeding, crying, smiling. He passes out, with hopes and dreams of a new day in his life.
Samuel died that night, tightly clutching his own body...
Written by: Richard Finogle Jr.
