The Last Post I'll Ever Write About A Girl...Sort Of.

Okay, so the title may not be EXACTLY what I'm talking about in this post but i really wanted to make an Ataris reference. Anyways, this post maybe a little confusing, i am tired and it's 3AM but i basically want to talk about a certain feeling/idea or whatever you want to call it that i have touched on before: Love. Now, i have said many many horrible things about it lately but I'm just trying to put it into perspective, i guess. The truth is, I'm 23, and still don't know the true meaning behind romantic love. Then again, I'm sure there are people out there who are in their 50's and are still trying to figure out the meaning behind it. I have come to believe that it's some sort of voodoo, or at least, for men it is. I can't understand the power that women have over us, i mean, just seeing a beautiful girl will cause us to be distracted or immediately sent into another world, but it's even worse when you like that beautiful girl. When you like, her, not only are you distracted when you see her, but you're distracted when she's not even around. You run into things, get nervous about everything, and the thing you look forward to most everyday is seeing her name pop up in a received text message on your phone, or an incoming call, and somehow, that makes your entire day wonderful and you don't even know why. I can't explain it, really, but i wonder, is that love? Or is love something much deeper and is what you feel at those moments simply infatuation? When you think about it, though, infatuation is just an early stage of love, but you have to ask yourself, is love even real? Shit, I've been trying to figure that one out for most of my life. I certainly miss the days when the word "love" only meant for your family or the toy you just picked up at the store. Those were the days. Now, one simple four letter word can send fear through the hearts of millions of people, i know it does for me, because I'm not even sure if it really exists. I am about to name drop here of an ex girlfriend, and i don't even care if she sees this but I'd say the closest thing to love that i have ever felt was for a girl named Jess Stitzel. It was a high school romance, but there was no physicality, we just enjoyed the company of each other, or at least, i enjoyed the company of her very much so. To me, love in the sense of romance, would be something like her and i had, two people who are SO attracted to each other's personalities that there is no need for physical contact and you can go home and feel satisfied just because you got to spend a half an hour with the person you are infatuated with. Who knows though, that's only my opinion. I'm not saying the physical stuff isn't awesome, I'm just saying when you look at it in a deeper sense, who the hell needs all of that? If someone can so easily have physical relations, whether it be sexual, or just making out, with someone else and not give a shit about their feelings, or make an agreement where you can have sex and no feelings will be thought of, then how important is physicality in a relationship? Well my opinion is that it's not important at all. The important thing, to me anyways, would be how much you enjoy seeing each other, even if it's for a few minutes. From my perspective, i think it would be something like sitting on the couch with a girl i am attracted to, watching a movie or TV show that i absolutely despise, and yet, still feeling happy because i can look next to me and see her smile light up the room whenever she laughs at whatever stupid joke was just said on the show or movie, or say it's a drama, i can feel her get closer to me for comfort as she cries over how some character died or how something is so very touching. See, to me, that's an example of a real relationship, that's something i would like to have, if i ever have one again. In a simplified statement, i guess i would want someone that, even if she likes things that i think are stupid, i would like her so much that i can support those stupid things because they make her happy. Get what I'm saying? Of course you do. I think as we grow older, every year we find out new things about stuff like love and relationships, and every year it's the same reaction "oh wow, yeah i get it now", but as for me, i still find myself saying "this is confusing, i think I'm going to stay out of it", but I'd like to think I've made at least a LITTLE bit of progress, don't you think so? Considering, if you've read my previous posts on here, not counting the short stories, I've matured pretty heavily on this subject since i wrote those. I feel less cynical, and I'm leaning more towards "I'm just going to sit back and see what happens". Who knows, i may meet someone pretty damn rad, or maybe i have, and i just don't know it yet? All i know is, i dread the next time a girl puts me under her spell, because I'd really like to avoid those "wet floor" signs.